Musings on my past as a lesbian

Before I came out to my parents I sent them a questionnaire on “what you would do if your kid came out as gay?” I said it was for sociology. I thought I was so sly at the time, now I just think it was kind of pathetic. I don’t even remember what they answered anymore, it doesn’t matter, because about a month later I came out to them. They should have seen it coming, I had been talking about “my new friend” L for weeks by then. I really couldn’t shut up about her. Even before we actually started dating. I just thought she was amazing.

…and I still do, since we’re getting married soon-ish. (and she is amazing, honestly)

I didn’t see it coming. I had assumed that there was just something wrong with me, something that was missing. I wish I could have just realised that I was gay. I think my adolesence would have been a little bit more fun then. I went on my fair share of dates with boys but I liked them as friends mainly and I feel sorry for the ones that had the aspiration to even kiss me.

Now, almost 8 years since I came out to my parents and to myself, I realise that the signs were there. I just wasn’t looking hard enough. I’ve had four big crushes on girls:

1. I was 8 and I had this huge crush on a girl in the 9th grade (I know, I know). She had red curly hair and for the school talent show she did this really cool dance. Afterwards we were standing waiting for parents and stuff and eventually it was just me and her left. I remember thinking that I had to say something. Thank god I didn’t. Gosh I was a little weirdo. I still remember her dance though and that night… and her hair.

2. I was 11 and it was a girl my own age, thankfully. It was when we were living in the UAE. She was from South Africa, really tall and very, very cool. I’d watch her play football a lot. Sadly she was kind of a bully and not very nice to me at all, but we don’t need to focus on that.

3. Oh. This one I remember! I was 15 just going on 16 and I fell madly for my Swedish and English teacher. She was 24 and just out of teaching school. Probably that’s why she was so idealistic. She would give me extra reading material and extra assigments, finally, I needed it. She really liked her job. And I really liked her.

4. This was minor but I can’t really deny it. I changed schools (moved a lot, changed a lot of schools) again. This was a tiny school and in French class we were only five students. Me and this girl, we’ll call her C, were advanced and the other three were beginners. C was much better at French than I was. I tried but I had started writing more seriously and my head was up in the clouds. And she was so cool. Not my type at all now, very short and girly, but very funny and very smart. I actually told her that I’d had a crush on her much later. It was a funny conversation… anyway, my most clear memory was when this French teacher came to visit our school and our teacher wanted us to talk with him and show him around the school. A man, young, I suppose good looking. C got so giggly. She couldn’t get a word out, she spoke French fluently and suddenly she didn’t speak a single word. So I had to speak with this guy in my broken French as we showed him around the school.

So I really should have seen it coming when I fell heels over head in love with the love of my life. She wasn’t what I had been looking for, but I knew once I found her. This is it.